Just Another Step
by thatbadgirllovesme
Summary: Before Eric get's a chance to ask Alan the question of a lifetime, an accident leaves Alan with amnesia. He doesn't remember anything about himself nor does he know who Eric is. Another problem: Alan has become mute.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

**I never know how to open up a new fanfiction **

**I doubt** **I will be finishing this one, I still have 2 others in the making process and I'm not even halfway done my smut fic. I just got to the sexy parts and all of a sudden BOOM, I have no creative ability, even though I am a huge perv. **

**My therapist is asking me about my fanfics, she said she wants to read them. I laughed and said 'nooooo way'.**

**I think I am going to make my fanfiction profile purely EricxAlan fanfictions since that is all I am writing except that one SebaCiel but that's barely SebaCiel and more 'Ciel doing his best to piss Sebastian off and other' also, I have like 9 other AlanxEric fics I want to write.**

**You read the summary so I shouldn't have to explain the story. Just sit back and read, send me a review if you would like me to continue writing this one, it would be much appreciated. Or even a suggestion for the story would be even more fantastic. **

**Oh, warnings per chapter. Disclaimer only on the first chapter so I don't have t rewrite it.**

*****WARNINGS: Suicide Attempt, Language, Blood, Really Sad. **

*****DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of it's characters. Everything belongs to Yana Toboso.**

* * *

Chapter 1

Eric walked down the streets of the downtown area taking long spaces in between his steps as he walked, he was walking fast paced, smiling to himself and holding a little black box, being careful not to hold it too tight to where it would break and also being careful not to hold it too loose to where it would fall out of his hands and get dirty.

It had to be perfect.

He would put the small box in his pocket but he knew the area was swarming with pick-pockets grabbing anything and everything they could get their hands on, especially if it was worth a lot which the object within the box was. It was very valuable, very expensive, very special, and very delicate.

No, it was more than just that. This was Eric's soon-to-be future with Alan; nothing could quite explain what it was and what it meant to Eric. It meant a lot, that's for sure.

This _object_ with what was inside the small box, was an elegant 10 carot diamond engagement ring that Eric had been busting his ass getting Alan for much longer than just a few months. He wanted to get Alan a 20 carot but he didn't want to wait any longer to pop the question, also he wanted the ring to be delicate just like Alan but big enough to show how much he loved Alan and how much he was dying to be with him for the rest of their eternal lives.

However, even a ring couldn't explain how much Eric loved the younger reaper nor did it explain all the things he would do just for Alan alone.

Ronald was one of the first to know, he didn't like the idea of Eric getting married. That, to Ronald, meant no more parties with Eric, no more drinking wars, no more late nights, and no more fun. He had told Eric he was throwing his life away, that his life was over as soon as Eric put that ring on Alan's finger but Eric gave him the same comment; _"'Ey, this is the beginnin' of a new life fer me and Al. Shut up and go drink ya booze." _

Eric was worried though, with the thought of rejection. What if Alan didn't want to get married, or just wasn't ready to? What if they break up in result of the proposal? Either way, nothing will be the same after the proposal. They will either end up together for eternity or break apart and float away until they lose each other. Eric was afraid of both.

He saw the house that he and Alan afford to pay; it was the same place where he and Alan had their first sexual encounter, a moment neither of them could forget. The awkwardness and the occasional laughs they made in bed mixed with moans and really embarrassing sounds coming from both of the males. That's when you know your relationship is a good one; when you can laugh with the person you are making love with.

Eric sped his walking up and got to the front door of the house. He suddenly realized just how nervous he really was and how excited. He stood there for what seemed like hours before getting his keys out and opening the door.

* * *

There was no hope. There was no reason for him to continue suffering in mental and physical pain. His anatomy had gotten bad, his veins were black, and his blood was clotting in his lungs to a point where he couldn't breathe. The many blood clots were causing him to wheeze loudly, his bare legs were a very pale blue color, he felt dizzy, he thought he was going to faint and not wake up. His arms, thighs and head were sweating and his anxiety was going through the roof.

It was too much, and Eric was not there this time to help the little brunette in his needs of surviving. Yes, he knew this was it; he was going to die a slow painful death. Alan was afraid of death, he could not look death in the face and tell it to pull the plug but he didn't want to keep living like this in this pathetic form, he was almost human. _Almost. _But he knew no human on this world could ever feel the pain he felt everyday of his life.

He disliked humans, they were so self centered, busy with their own doings, had no time for anyone but themselves not even their own kids. As a reaper, Alan was supposed to get used to it, as William T. Spears, his supervisor told him, but seeing mothers and fathers beat and abuse their kid, leave them in cages with no food or water like animals, it broke Alan's heart to see but also made him angry.

He wants to have children, he wants to be able to be a father and know what it's like to hold a baby in his arms. He wants to help his child with their homework, go to school events, and meet their friends and teachers. He wanted to see the child grow up and graduate from high school then college. Most of all, he wanted to know the love and adventure of caring for a child.

He hasn't told Eric or anybody else he wants a kid because he knows it wouldn't happen, it just was not biologically possible. Sure, they could adopt a kid but Alan didn't really want to adopt, he wanted to have his own child with Eric but even if it was possible, the child would die due to Alan's health and Alan knew this. It only upset him even more.

Seeing humans abuse and neglect their kids, seeing them call their children awful names made Alan furious but he never showed it, he was taught to never show emotions while doing work nor did he talk about it. Even though Eric knew Alan was affected emotionally by work, he said nothing, not wanting to make Alan more upset by saying the wrong thing.

Why would a being capable of bringing life into the world even think of bringing them to the world if they are going to live in pain their whole lives? To be abused by the people who brought them into this awful world, sometimes failing and falling trapped to their deaths caused by their parents. Whether it would be beaten to death, starved, dehydration, murdered, they die.

It's a sad day when you have to order a coffin for a small child, sometimes a coffin for a 2 year old infant or younger even. When you see that child mangled and beaten just laying in that coffin with no movement, unresponsive, it does something to you. It makes you open your eyes and realize things around you that you would not normally have realized.

Alan kept staring at his legs, he couldn't believe how blue they have gotten, his heart pained him, and it was an un-explainable pain. A pain he was used to, it almost didn't bother him at the moment but it still hurt like hell. No, worse than hell. It was like kidney stones but 9 times worse.

He sat there on the kitchen floor not moving a muscle except his hand holding the switchblade so he could rip his full arm up but he never used it. He was wearing no pants, his body got too overheated and he had to take them off along with his shirt so all he was wearing was a pair of boxers and it was too hot even for those. Tears of pain fell down his face; there was no pain that could describe what he was feeling inside and out.

As he continued to look at his legs, he saw the veins going up and down his legs, they were pitch black and rising from his skin, the pinchers of the thorns were coming out along with them. Yes, this was it. This was going to be when his life ends even though he was already dead in many ways.

"_I don't want to feel it." _He thought to himself. _"I don't want to feel the pain of death." _

He shook even more, his head was agonizingly pounding, a sign that some blood clots have fromed in his brain as well. He was scared, frightened , _terrified. _He then realized he was having an attack. Not a heart attack, a panic attack.

"_I can't…" _

Alan slowly stood on his knees; he put his hands on the counter and slowly brought himself to his feet. He then slowly made his way across the kitchen which took him a full 5 minutes since his feet wouldn't move. He bent down to open the bottom coverts under the sink but ended up falling on his ass and keeping his head rested against the covert door. After a few moments have passed, he opened the coverts and got his container of medication pills out of the medication bin Eric had under the sink for him in case something happened and he wasn't there.

He looked at the labeling but found his eyesight failing him as well, he was seeing double and was unable to read the label. He stared at the mysterious container of pills for what seemed like the longest time before opening them and sliding to the refrigerator on his bum to get a water bottle from the bottom drawer.

"_Please come home Eric. Please come home Eric. Please come home Eric..."_

Even though that sentence kept repeating itself in his head, it wasn't enough. Alan tilted his head back and dumped the whole half container into his mouth, taking a huge gulp of water, he swallowed the entire pill bottle whole. He sat there, breathing hard and trying to recover from this mix of attacks he was having at once. The panic, the anxiety, the pain, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the anger that has been built inside of him. It was all coming out and now there was no stopping it.

The pain in his chest got even more intense, his body shook even more and before Alan had any time to think, his eye lids shut, he fell backwards slowly losing consciousness. There was a bang and another intense pain hit the back of Alan's head before his body fell to the floor motionless.

* * *

Eric heard the bang right when he stepped through the door; it was loud and echoed throughout the house.

"Alan?" he asked, concerned that Alan fell down the stairs again; the only problem with that theory was that it was one single bang and not multiple thumps. Not only that, but there was a horrible feeling in Eric's stomach.

He called Alan's name again and heard another noise, a thump. Not a loud one but enough that Eric could hear it. It sounded like a small object such as a toy car falling from a child's grip and hitting a hard floor.

Eric looked around in the corner and his heart immediately skipped a beat.

There his lover was on the floor, skin blue, face flushed dripping with sweat, body swollen especially around his neck area, he saw the black veins and thorns poking through Alan's bare legs, blood coming out of the back of his head. Eric's eyes then went to the corner of the island counter, which was dripping with Alan's blood.

Eric put the box in his pocket and quickly went to Alan's side and fell on his knees, he lifted Alan's head up. "Alan!" he yelled. "Alan!" he shook the younger male in his arms. "Alan! Wake up!" he grit his teeth to prevent himself from crying and kissed Alan's chest right above his heart and then a firm kiss on his lips "Please!"

Alan's eyes never opened, he wasn't breathing, and his chest was still. Eric ran his hand over Alan's legs which were ice cold.

That's when Eric held Alan closely

And he cried.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

**How was it? Did it suck? Was it great? Too sad? Should I continue or stop writing this one?**

**I finished this when I was suicidal as fuck so that's why it was more depressing than I intended.**

**The story will start to pick up in the next chapter. **

*****Leave a review PLEASE. **


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

**I wanted to put more in the first one but it would have been another 2,000 words and I'm not going to make you guys read a 4,000 word chapter while all the other ones are only 1,700-2,000 words long. Also, I would never be able to read such a long chapter in one sitting so I wasn't going to put that onto you guys. **

**Writing this in my bra and shorts, it's very comfortable. **

**Eric might be OOC. **

*****WARNINGS: Language.**

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Chapter 2

It was dark, it was all dark. He's been floating around in darkness for the past couple years of his life and he hasn't escaped it.

Now, there he stood surrounded by nothing but blackness as he stood on a white cliff which was curled at the end. The end of the cliff curled downwards, creating a white spiral that Alan couldn't see.

Suddenly, he felt himself drop down as if falling backwards from a cliff or the top of a building, falling into nothing but a deep dark abyss of emotional pain. He sunk farther and farther, too afraid to open his eyes and just like a child, he did not want to see the monsters that might lurk beyond in this endless hole.

There was a splash and everything around him turned white. As he looked up, he saw he had falling into a body of white which was acting like a body of water as Alan sank farther down.

Black and white, the two most opposite colors.

What did this mean? Or was it simply meant to mean nothing at all? Alan never got his answer, nor did he have time to ask his questions.

He wondered how much longer he was going to keep falling until he comes crashing down and shattering on the floor.

* * *

There he lay on the hospital bed in that white hospital gown with the baby blue flowers across the skirt lining, arm linings and neck lining. The gown he was all too familiar with and wore on a regular occasion, there was not one month where Alan was not in the hospital at least twice or maybe even five times, the most he has been in one month whole was exactly 22 days-not all at the same time of course-so he and Eric had gotten used to the smell of the hospital atmosphere, medicine, latex and all.

It had been 6 months since the incident, Alan fell into a coma on the way to the hospital and has been totally unresponsive since then.

There were IVs going up and down Alan's arms, some taking and some giving blood. His head was wrapped in bandages; the wound in his head was stitched underneath the bandages. Alan's eyes were closed, his body was still swollen and the swelling seemed to have only gotten worse. The worst of it all, there was a feeding tube going into Alan's stomach since he was highly unable to feed orally.

Before Alan went into the coma, he had to have a long tube go down his throat in the ambulance to get all the prescription pills out of his stomach.

Eric sat next to the hospital bed, holding one of Alan's hands in his own and watching him carefully. The monitors around him beeped slowly, every beat for every time Alan's heart pumped blood. Even though it was slow, it gave Eric some hope that maybe, just maybe, Alan would survive just like he always has.

But even so, Eric was still terrified and worried more that this might be the last time he would see the brunette before he was dressed in a coffin surrounded by Rosemary, Marigold, Cyress and Plumerias along with the flowers Eric would choose; red and purple tulips, thornless lavender roses, red roses, red Rainflower, red and yellow Chrysanthemum, and of course, Ericas. It terrified Eric to know he would have to pick out Alan's coffin and bury him six feet underground.

As long as those monitors are still beeping, he still had hope and even if some day the monitors choose to stop, he will never give up on Alan until he is buried.

The ring which Eric was going to give to Alan sat in his pocket. He couldn't help but think maybe getting involved in such a serious relationship with Alan just wasn't meant to be, perhaps this was fate's doing. It wasn't Alan's fault he had that panic attack, nor was it his fault that he hit his head on the corner of the counter. He just wished Alan contacted him and told him what was happening right when he started to feel scared, before he had the thought of taking those pills in order to destroy the pain and himself.

This was the first time Alan had gotten injured so bad that he had fallen into a coma and when Eric learned his boyfriend was in such a state, he had no idea how to handle it and he pretty much fell apart, back to his old ways. Even though Eric wouldn't give up on Alan, he had to have a way to cope with what was going on.

The first week he started drinking socially as much as he could, he and Ronald would have a blast along with Grell while William took the responsibility of watching Alan in the hospital and to report any changes. Sadly though, there were no changes and Eric slowly got worse and worse. He was falling into a depression and he knew he had to snap out of it but he just couldn't do it.

He got into a fight with Ronald while he was drunk once, he pretty much blamed Ronald for Alan's going into a coma even though Eric knew damn well it wasn't Ronald's fault.

The next month he started smoking again then stopped when he kept getting kicked out of the hospital and almost losing his job for having a smoke in the bathroom at work. Damn William, who wasn't one to talk since he smoked on a daily basis.

3 months later, he found himself drinking alone almost every night to the point of passing out in the neighbor's yard and sometimes William's front porch. He stopped drinking before he became an alcoholic and lost his job.

The next couple of months were stressful and depressing for Eric, not having Alan by his side all the time was like a blade that cut right through him and he was often cold at night because Alan was not there to cuddle nor was he there when Eric woke up.

Eric get's the whole bed to himself and he enjoys being able to spread out while he slept but with Alan not there to fall asleep with him or waking him up with gentle kisses on his face, it meant nothing and Eric often found himself hugging Alan's pillow with one arm simply because it smelled like him. After about a month, Alan's scent began to fade and by the second month, Alan's scent was gone from the pillow and Eric found himself throwing the pillow onto the floor every night.

The house was often a mess since Alan wasn't around to clean or nag Eric about not doing the dishes. There were potato chip bags, McDonalds, Sonic and Chipotle bags covering the coffee table, however for some reason Eric never gained any weight. He was working a lot more, that could be a reason. Wrappers were carelessly thrown about the kitchen and hallways, all he had left in the pantries were fruit roll ups and some of the more healthy food that Alan ate that Eric never touched like pita chips and veggie straws. The bed was never made and clothes were thrown carelessly on the bedroom floor to a pint where there was no way of walking without tripping over various piles of clothes. There were new stains in the carpets and on the furniture, some Eric couldn't even recognize except for the large stain on the wall where he threw a beer bottle at Ronald and nearly took charmer's head off.

Now, Eric continued to stare at the young man lying before him as he held his hand tightly but not enough to break the fragile man's hand while the doctor fed Alan through his tube.

Eric sighed and went to stand up and leave the room so he could go home when he felt Alan's hand twitch. He looked down at Alan whose eyes were still closed until suddenly his eyes slowly opened; revealing two emerald eyes which were only halfway open. Even so, Eric felt his skin prick with excitement and happiness. "Alan!" he stared at the younger who simply looked up at him. The brunette lifts his arm up to shield his eyes from the hospital lights above him just as Eric looked at the doctor who was quick to respond.

The doctor with the name tag that said 'Rogel' sat the back of Alan's bed up so Alan could sit and still being fed. Alan went to pull the tube out of his stomach, not knowing what it was, only knowing it itched like hell and it felt downright weird and awkward. His hand was pulled away by Eric and then kissed lightly on the back of the delicate pale hand.

"Alan, can you hear me?" the blonde asked only to get a quick jerk from Alan, taking his hand away in a quick motion and looking at Eric with confused eyes and lips firmly pressed together.

Eric knew what the look meant but didn't know why he was given it. "Al, it's me. We've been together for 2 years."

Alan replied with a glance around the room as if checking his surroundings. Though he said nothing, Eric knew something was off. Now was usually the time that Alan would shower Eric with hugs and kisses, happy to see him again after such a long time and reassure Eric that he was going to get better.

Eric looked at Rogel who could obviously feel the disturbance with Alan. He felt the back of Alan's head, where the injury was, to make sure nothing was growing like a tumor. "Alan, do you know where you are?" Alan turned his head and looked up at Rogel with a blank look on his face. "Do you know who I am?" He blinked. "Can you understand me?" A tilt of the head. Rogel looked at Eric. "We are going to have to run a brain scan."

A brain scan? For what reason!? What was Rogel assuming!? What was wrong with Alan and was it serious!? Eric knew brain scans were used to rule out other medical illnesses like a tumor or something like a mental disorder. He knew Alan had depression so his brain looked and functioned a lot differently than a normal brain but just the thought of Alan having even more problems…

"Yeah, 'gotcha."

"Does he have any family?"

The thought of the ring came into Eric's mind but he allowed it to go passed him and continue to act cool. "Nahh." He put his hands in his pockets "I'm the closest thing to family the kid has."

"Well then, since we cannot print out an image of his brain, you have permission to come back in the observatory room with me and look at the images on the computer. If you would just follow me."

Eric nodded once; Rogel brought in a gurney and gently set Alan on the gurney, making sure not to unhook his wires as a nurse carried the necessaries that were connected to Alan along with them. Eric went and took Alan's hand but Alan shook him off and gave a frown, showing that he did not want to hold hands.

Something was definitely wrong with him.

Eric sat next to Rogel as the scan for Alan's brain came up on the screen while the nurse made sure Alan laid still in the MRI, even though they put headphones on him and played some calming music he was still having a slight problem with staying still.

Rogel had his hand on the mouse and used it to turn the image of the brain in every way so he could figure out what was wrong with the young man until he saw something that caught his eye and turned the monitor towards Eric, pointing his pen at some red and yellow spots in the Occipital Lobe part of the brain. "Do you see this?"

What a ridiculous question, of course he could see it. "Yeah." He replied. "So what is it?"

"This shows damage to his brain where he hit that counter." He used the mouth to draw a red circle around the damaged areas. "Some of the parts of his brain where memory is stored have been severely damaged and this," he circled a few orange spots in the Frontal Lobe part of the brain "These show his anxiety level has increased drastically. My theory is he may have developed mutism."

Eric felt himself grow stiff, he looked over at the doctor with wide eyes. "Ya mean he ain't gonna talk again?" he tried to remain calm but brain damage, memory loss _and _mutism!? The truth pained Eric in every way and he thought he would lose it when Rogel interrupted his thoughts.

"No, I didn't mean that. However, yes, I suppose he won't be very talkative, but considering his vocal cords are not damaged in any way, he is still able to talk." Rogel looked through some packets and found one on the subject of 'Select Mutism' then handed it to Eric who eagerly opened it as soon as it was handed to him. "Select mutism is one of the many ranges of anxiety disorders, a reason for not talking could be the people around him, the room or atmosphere in which he is in, or simply discomfort. Out of all anxiety disorders, select mutism is the most disabling. It disables the ability to communicate through speech and sometimes even a simple nod or shake of the head could be troubling to a victim of select mutism, it limits human expression and is not to be taken lightly or simply shaken off. Select mutism is often involved with depression, people with depression are most likely to have it worse than those who don't."

"Then Alan…"

"Will have a harder time coping with this disorder." Rogel finished for him.

Eric understood, he understood what he had to do for Alan and as always, it wasn't going to be an easy task but Eric was ok with that, he was always ok when it came to helping his flower.

"If you want, there are some classes which offer help in these types of disorders."

"Nah. Thanks but I think I'll get him talkin'."

He was going to be strong for Alan just like he has over the years and he was going to smile for him.

* * *

"What'd ya want to eat, Al?" Eric asked, opening the pantries to see what he could make for dinner. When he received no answer he looked at Alan who was standing in the doorway, the boundary between the kitchen and the living room looking around the kitchen at the stove, refrigerator, the sink and then at Eric.

"Right." Eric mumbled feeling slightly idiotic. "How 'bout spaghetti?" he grabbed the box of pasta noodles and looked at Alan who didn't give the slightest answer, not even a nod or shake of the head but he could tell by Alan's eyes that he was hungry and most likely starving from being fed by only a tube for the past couple of months.

"Ya sure are quiet. But I guess being in some man's house who ya don't even remember is a bit scary, 'specially if he looks like me." He took a big pot out and filled it with water then set it on the stove.

Eric was no idiot, he knew he looked like someone you would find wandering the streets at night or perhaps getting involved in some kind of fight or crime. He knew he looked like he could rip a man in two with his bare hands and choke someone with the chain hanging from his pants.

In fact, this was a reason why Alan had a hard time getting used to Eric, he was scared of working with him, scared that saying the wrong thing could make Eric blow up and yell or maybe even hit the younger reaper but it never happened.

Except the one time when they had their first hand on fight, using their scythes in a battle until Alan's heart was attacked by the thorns. Eric was so angry, so heated. He was trying his best to save Alan from the thorns but Alan had to be stubborn and wasn't even the least bit appreciated by Eric's longing to cure the younger of his horrible disease! He would never appreciate it, not as long as Eric was killing and illegally collecting souls and that's why, at the very beginning of the attack when Alan's eyes widened and he grabbed his chest in pain, Eric swung his fist and hit the poor man across the face, causing him to fall backwards onto the hard pavement and he watched Eric run off, regretting what he did as his name was called once before an agonizing yell interrupted his name being called the second time.

This is beyond the point but the point is that Eric was not a nice looking man unless he was smiling but it also depended on how he was smiling.

Eric Slingby had so many smiles and Alan has seen them all. Happy, cheerful, sad, knowing, fake, seductive, the list goes on and on.

Alan looked down at his feet, hiding his face from the older male who smiled worriedly at him.

"Y'know, you can sit down if ya want." He waited for Alan to look up before motioning to the two empty seats at the small circular dining table which stood by the far window in the other side of the kitchen. Alan looked up at Eric to make sure it was all right and being answered by a nod of Eric's head, he walked over and sat down in the seat he would normally sit in when having dinner with Eric.

Did this mean he remembered Eric at least a little bit? Or he was at least familiar with the house even the littlest bit?

Whatever it was, Eric saw it as progress and smiled to himself.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **

**Hey! Sorry, I am just now updating my stories and all! D: **

**I have been real busy with school and stuff but I'm still alive! **

****SPOLIER FOR THE SECOND/THIRD MUSICAL**

****OH! By the way, I was live-chatting with 15 other's while watching "The most Beautiful DEATH in The World: Revival" and Eric punched Alan. I was not the least bit surprised because I noticed this in the second one but everybody else didn't seem to catch it. I just want you to know that Eric DOES punch Alan in the second musical as well as the third one but you have to look closely to actually see it in the second one. I'm saying this because I referenced this in this chapter so don't be confused please. **

*****LEAVE A REVIEW PLEASE! THEY HELP! **


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